


Anyone Can Cook

by Purplefern



Series: Squip Fluff [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Apperently, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN, Cooking Lessons, Fluff, Gen, Helpful Jeremy Heere's Squip, I've never had to type zucchini so many times in my life, In Character Squip, Inspired by Ratatouille (2007), It's really minor and about as well-intentioned as it can be, Jeremy Heere's Squip Takes Control of Jeremy Heere, Jeremy is a Disnerd now, Kinda, Neglectful Parenting (referenced), Ratatouille (2007) References, The Squip doesn't exactly approve, because why not?, that is also a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23514271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplefern/pseuds/Purplefern
Summary: The Squip gives Jeremy a much needed cooking lesson. (Sequel to Runnin' Errands with My Squip, though you can enjoy this story without reading that one)
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Father (Referenced), Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Squip
Series: Squip Fluff [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683082
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Anyone Can Cook

**Author's Note:**

> In case you want to cook along with Squip, here's basically the recipe they're making: https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchen/capellini-with-spicy-zucchini-tomato-sauce-recipe-1973895 
> 
> Recommended listening: The Ratatouille OST, especially "Remy Drives a Linguini" OR "Colette Shows Him Le Ropes"

“What the hell is a zucchini?” asked Jeremy, exasperated, as he read over the recipe the Squip had printed out and apparently expected him to make. 

“It’s a vegetable. You’re the one who put it in the cart, did you not notice?”

“I only got it cause you told me to” he replied as he disdainfully threw the sheet of paper onto the table, “Doesn’t mean I know what it is. Or what to do with it.” He muttered under his breath as he glared at the recipe that lied on the counter, “You couldn’t just let me eat my Hotpocket because, why, again?” 

“Stop whining Jeremy. This is hardly difficult”, countered the Squip as it internally read over the recipe again, verifying that it was at an acceptable level for a beginner (it didn’t want Jeremy to injure himself, after all, and it didn’t want him to fail and go hungry, either). “This recipe is a simple three part process. Cutting the zucchini is as difficult as it gets.” 

“Says the supercomputer” complained the teen. 

“We’ll just start at the beginning” lectured said supercomputer, as it ignored Jeremy’s commentary, “Turn the stove to medium, add the oil, and sauté the garlic and peppers. Can you manage that?” 

Honestly, Jeremy wasn’t sure that he could. He didn’t think he had ever even touched the stove before, except to make, like, ramen. And “sauté” sounded really fancy. 

“I assure you it’s not” the Squip’s expression softened, as it realized this tactic was getting Jeremy nowhere. In a more supportive tone, it reassured, “You will be fine, Jeremy. This is well within your skillset, I promise”. 

“Yeah, sure” scoffed the teen in an attempt at sarcastic disdain, but words couldn’t fool the Squip. The human had found that last remark encouraging, and he was hopeful from the apparent support. The Squip made a note that, with cooking, positive feedback and assurances brought more results. 

As he took a deep breath, the Squip could hear Jeremy tell himself,  _ You can do this, don’t embarrass yourself, oh God there’s no way I can do this _ as he grabbed what he thought he needed. His confidence wavering for a moment as he stared at the pan on the stove, he asked aloud, “You’re gonna help me with this, right?” 

“If you truly require help, I will give it as far as I am able” replied the computer somewhat noncommittally. If Jeremy seemed to be completely lost, the Squip would intervene, but only if it seemed necessary. The goal of this was for Jeremy to learn.

“Okay” said the teen under his breath, more to himself than anything, “What do I do first?” he asked, again attempting to act casually to hide his horrible uncertainty and desperation for help. 

“Pour that oil into the pan, and turn the stove to medium” instructed the Squip, attempting to keep its tone level and supportive. “Carefully” it said, sharper, as Jeremy (recklessly, it thought), filled the pan with oil. 

“Alright, alright” Jeremy snapped back, as he recapped the oil and set it on a nearby counter. “Now what?”

“You can read the recipe, Jeremy. You don’t need me to recite every step” responded the Squip when it decided Jeremy was being too dependent on its help. 

Jeremy glared, but it had no effect on the computer, whose collected expression didn’t change. Sighing, Jeremy picked up the recipe with all of his passive-aggressive might and looked it over, immediately becoming completely confused. 

“What’s the difference between tisp and tibist?” he asked, exasperatedly, his voice edging into a whine. 

_ I can see this is going to be difficult _ the Squip thought to itself. It could tell that Jeremy was probably going to need a hint, otherwise he was on the edge of quitting. 

“A teaspoon -- tsp-- is smaller than a tablespoon--Tbsp” it supplied, being so gracious as to point at the measuring spoons that Jeremy was giving a hopelessly lost stare. With little further instruction (by the Squip’s reference he was doing well enough at following the recipe, so it didn’t comment further), Jeremy uncertainly measured out what he thought was the right amount and threw it into the pan. 

“Be careful around the oil. It’s 213℉ and could cause harm if it comes into contact with your skin” cautioned the Squip, leaning over the teen’s shoulder as he tapped the last of the ingredients into the pan. 

“Okay,  _ mom _ ” retorted Jeremy, looking over the recipe and adding more ingredients, his tongue sticking out as he concentrated. (The Squip ran the costs and benefits of scolding him for that, and came to the conclusion that Jeremy’s confidence with cooking was on an uptick, and “unnecessary” criticism could discourage him.)

It could sense his uncertainty and nervousness increase as he inevitably realized that his most feared part was coming up. It was time for him to cut the zucchini. 

“Can’t I just eat it without some weirdo vegetable?” asked the teen, masking his reluctance with petulance. 

“No” replied the Squip, unwavering, “You will have to learn to cut vegetables at some point if you are to gain any worthwhile cooking skills. You have 14 minutes and 22 seconds to do so, but it really shouldn’t take that long”. 

Jeremy gave a wordless groan, and hesitantly got the best knife they had from a drawer (it was just a cheap old paring knife that hadn’t been used in ages. But the Squip assessed that it would get the job done reliably enough.) 

Personally, he did  _ not  _ trust himself with a knife. He couldn’t believe that the Squip trusted him with one, like, if anyone knew how uncoordinated and unqualified he was, it should have been the supercomputer that was literally in his brain, and seemed to enjoy telling him how much he couldn’t do things. 

“You will do fine, Jeremy” reassured said supercomputer, reading said brain, “And if you are so worried about this, I can promise that I will let no harm come to you”. 

“Uh, thanks” responded Jeremy, surprised. The Squip was just being so weirdly nice tonight, he was not used to it being so, like, kind. 

“You shouldn’t be so surprised, Jeremy. My sole purpose is to improve your life. Whether it be your social standing or your health, I do want what’s in your best interest. And right now, that entails learning to cook, so stop stalling and cut the zucchini”. 

“Fiiiiine” whined the teen, tentatively grabbing the knife, holding the handle gingerly between his index finger and thumb. Setting the mystery vegetable on the kitchen counter, he shifted the knife in his hand and carefully brought it down on the zucchini. He let out a relieved breath as the top stemmy thing came off, and he still miraculously had all of his fingers intact. 

“There you go” commented the Squip, watching attentively. 

Grinning cockily, Jeremy cut into the squash again. And again. And again, each stroke of the knife getting faster as he gained confidence. 

Until…

“Jeremy!” shouted the Squip as it jumped in and briefly took over control of the teen’s hand, stopping the knife’s movement millimeters above his thumb. Still controlling Jeremy for the moment, the Squip had him carefully set the knife aside, before relinquishing its control. It fully expected a burst of outrage from the teen, even if it was only trying to help, he was always testy about the Squip taking over the slightest bit. 

However, even though it  _ couldn’t  _ be surprised, it was...taken off guard as, rather than freaking out or getting defensive like he normally did, Jeremy let out a surprised laugh. The Squip was briefly concerned if Jeremy was well, even if it was easier to not have his resistance. He must have been too shaken to react normally (his thoughts certainly seemed to support that theory). The Squip was taken off guard once again as the teen commented with a strained chuckle,“This is just like  _ Ratatouille _ ”. 

The Squip’s vaguely shocked expression descended back into its usual unamused deadpan area as it raised the barest of brows at the remark. “This is nothing like that, Jeremy” 

“It so is, though.” persisted Jeremy, grabbing the unevenly sliced zucchini and throwing them into the pan. Giving the Squip a side-eyed glance, he asked, “Have you ever even  **seen** _ Ratatouille _ ?”

The Squip rolled its virtual eyes at the question. “If you have seen it, then I essentially have”. 

Looking triumphant, Jeremy concluded,“Then you would know this is  _ exactly  _ like that. I’m Linguini, and you’re my Little Chef.” 

The Squip quickly ran through all that Jeremy knew of “Ratatouille” just to get an idea of what he was talking about. The film, at least how Jeremy remembered it, somewhat did recall their current situation. And the Squip found it hard to deny how much Jeremy resembled the main human protagonist. They were equally pitiful and helpless, in addition to how similar their physical features were. Though it wasn’t certain how flattering it was to be compared to a rat, even if that rat were an accomplished chef. 

It was going to comment that Jeremy should hardly be referencing children’s movies regularly, such a thing was even less chill than X-men. But, considering the notes it had made about Jeremy and cooking through the night, and considering Jeremy’s somewhat shaken mentality from the near-accident, it decided to hold its digital tongue for the moment. It could indulge Jeremy this once, in the name of achieving the goal set for the night. 

“Yes, well, I will hardly be helping you as much as Remy helped Linguini. You still need to complete the rest of the recipe if you wish to eat dinner anytime soon.” To ease Jeremy’s nerves, (Jeremy often found more “human” actions comforting), it looked over the physical recipe rather than scanning over its internal access to it online, noting, “The only step left is to simply boil the noodles. I believe you are already quite adept at  _ that _ ”. 

“Heh” Jeremy laughed nervously, his nerves still shaken from nearly  _ cutting his fingers off _ , but relieved that noodles were all that were left, “Yeah. I’m pretty good at boiling ramen, that’s for sure”

“Yes” commented the Squip distastefully, “Now you can use those skills for something actually beneficial”. 

True to its analysis, the last step went smoothly, and Jeremy was able to regain his confidence that had nearly been lost in the zucchini incident. Straining the pasta while the Squip looked on impassively, Jeremy suddenly (it seemed like) found himself sitting at the kitchen table, fork in hand, with an actual dinner in front of him. He didn’t spend too much time getting sentimental about it, though, and quickly dug in with the appetite of a teenage boy who was eating dinner several hours too late. The Squip gave a slight grin to itself from the usual feeling of satisfaction that came with achieving a goal that benefited its user. 

The grin disappeared as soon as it came, though, as it observed Jeremy’s atrocious table manners.

Halfway through dinner, Jeremy slowed in his eating and turned suddenly quiet and introverted, staring down at the bowl in front of him. “This is...nice” the teen admitted in a soft tone, and the computer’s usually critical glare became a bit gentler. 

“I can't remember the last time I had an actual dinner. Dad hasn’t cooked since…” Jeremy trailed off, but the Squip didn’t need him to finish to know what the boy was thinking. 

“Well, he may have failed you these last few years, but cooking at least is something you can learn to do for yourself. With a bit of guidance, this should hardly be the last time you have a homecooked meal.” 

Just as Jeremy was about to feel all warm and fuzzy from what pretty much amounted to a kind comment from the computer, it ruined it by adding, “After all, your cooking skills still leave much to be desired. And I can hardly let you fall back into the bad habits of what you were eating before. I won’t allow you to”. 

And just like that, the good feelings were gone. “Wow, thanks” deadpanned Jeremy. 

“You’re welcome” replied the computer in a matching tone. 

“Now” said the Squip in a business-like manner as Jeremy was just finishing eating, “I have collected several other recipes of a similar skill level. With the ingredients we’ve bought, and these recipes you should be able to prepare a different meal for at least the next two weeks”. 

For show, Jeremy groaned at the prospect of having to cook for the foreseeable future, but if he was being honest, he had enjoyed cooking. And the end result of an actual dinner wasn’t too bad either. He smiled gently at the idea, and, seeing that, the Squip updated its database on Jeremy, adding a subsection about cooking. It would seem it was going to continue to need it. 

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I'm not excusing the fact that the Squip does messed up stuff to Jeremy in canon. However, with it being a computer it's a complicated situation. Essentially, different goals require different motivators, and the Squip does what gets results, to its mind the results that best benefit Jeremy. With cooking it just so happens that positivity gets more done. (Or maybe I'm overthinking this and you just also want some fluff. Meh, just figured I'd mention it.)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this, leave kudos, comments, etc, thanks for reading.
> 
> Additional note: I want to write more fluff with the Squip (maybe even with someone other than Jeremy?) So suggestions are welcome. It doesn't promise anything, but I don't mind hearing ideas if you feel like throwing some my way.


End file.
